


Set Free

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kaidan as Kai Leng, Winter Soldier AU, fshenko - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13253343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: A winter soldier AU where Kaidan takes Kai Leng's place in Mass Effect 3 after being left on Virmire, from Kaidan's perspective.Written for flashedarrow on Tumblr for my 4.5k follower giveaway!





	Set Free

The Citadel feels like a place he knows, but he’s been told he’s never been here before. He wonders if maybe the pictures he’s been shown have gotten to his head and made him think he knows this place, but there’s a tugging in the back of his brain that says maybe he hasn’t been told the whole truth.  
But then again… why would Cerberus lie to him?  
He feels like he remembers the Citadel as he stands in the shadows of the C-Sec headquarters. Faint and blurry memories that maybe don’t belong to him flood his brain, walking behind someone, following them around the Presidium. A familiar tingle running through his teeth as he sets his eyes on the Mass Relay statue in the reservoir. The visions bring back a content feeling that settles in his chest, and it feels unusual. He isn’t used to feelings like that.   
Footsteps echo from somewhere in C-Sec, and he can’t identify where, but then he sees a chair move, and the metallic shimmer of a cloaking device glints in his eyes. He feels for the sword at his waist, and flares up biotics around his fingers. A muffled voice comes from upstairs, and he knows he doesn’t have much time, but he can strike now and do as much damage as possible. Those were the orders. That, and to kill Commander Shepard.   
He steps out of the shadows, and moves slowly. The Salarian Councilor materializes from behind the cloaking device and looks around nervously. He knows the councilor is not the target, but a dead councilor means something for Cerberus. One corrupt, one dead… more chaos, and more opportunities for them.  
The Salarian Councilor turns around and gazes at him in horror. But there’s something more than horror in her eyes… familiarity, like she can’t believe that he’s the one here to kill her. He racks his brain of where he could have met the Councilor before, but nothing comes up. From above glass shatters and figures vault over the ledge and drop onto the lower level.   
He knows the figure in the middle. Everyone does. She stands tall — despite being not tall at all — with fiery red hair and freckles spanning across her nose and cheeks. She’s strikingly beautiful, and while he knows she doesn’t stand a chance against him, he thinks that Commander Shepard would be a worthy opponent. Her shotgun is ready of fire, and judging by the angered look in her eyes, so is she.  
“Shepard, he’s going to kill us all,” Councilor Esheel says.  
“That remains to be seen,” the Commander replies, moving closer to the councilor. He’s never heard the Commander speak before, but hearing her voice sends a chill down his back. It feels familiar and like they’ve met before, but he knows they haven’t.  
“I mean Udina. He’s staging a coup. He’s got the other councilors now — to hand over to Cerberus.”  
A flare of powerful biotics run to his fingertips and swirl around his hand. Any minute now and he’ll unleash it, making them all regret holding him up with this small talk.  
Commander Shepard steps closer and two companions appear from behind. They take point on either side of Shepard and raise their guns. Shepard seems as if she’s going to say something, but instead, nothing comes out. Her jaw drops just slightly enough for him to notice, and her eyes… floor with tears?  
“I…”  
She looks at him like she knows him, like there’s some history between them, but he knows better. He’s been with Cerberus for as long as he can remember. And although Commander Shepard was with Cerberus at one point, she was someone he only heard about in classified briefings and training sessions. She went from being a utility to a target in a matter of moments, and the past several months were solely dedicated to training for how to stop her. He does know her, of course. Knows her fighting style and every detail, so of course it feels familiar to be in her presence. But she shouldn’t know him.  
“Shepard —,” one of the companions says, placing a hand on her shoulder. This person he definitely doesn’t know — large and muscular with tattoos up his neck and a shaved mohawk in his hair.  
“This isn’t happening,” Shepard whispers.  
He doesn’t get a chance to say anything or take the first strike because a gun comes to the side of his head, and he feels the pulse inside charge, ready to fire. He takes in a deep breath and brings a hand up, swatting the gun away. He faces his opponent: a drell, one he’s seen in files and researched as a possible opponent. The drell lands a hit to his face, and Commander Shepard ushers the councilor out of the line of fire.  
A punch strikes him in his lower jaw, and he spits blood onto the floor. He flips the drell onto his back, and he thinks it’ll put him down for a moment or two. He remembers reading about Kepral’s Syndrome, and that this particular drell was in late stages of the disease. But he doesn’t stay down, and instead, rolls out of the way to take an optimal angle. He fires several bullets, and one strikes through his shoulder armor. He grips the wound, and applies a dose of medical through his armor. He taps his omni-tool and cloaks himself, and quickly darts out of sight.   
“Thane, are you okay?” Shepard asks.  
The drell — Thane — turns to Shepard and nods. “Yes. Take the councilor to safety and get to the council.”  
He draws a sword from his holster and approaches behind Thane. He disables his cloaking and Thane fires more bullets at him, with a slightly decreased precision. He rushes at the drell, ready to take a death blow, and Thane ducks below his blade, once, and then twice. Two kicks come to his body, one to the stomach, and another to the face. And then, a single biotic punch that throws him backwards against the tiles. Biotics tingle against his skin, but not his own. The punch sends electric jolts up his body and keep him from moving for a spare few seconds. When he looks up, Thane is grabbing the gun off the floor again.   
He climbs to his feet, and pulls his blade again. He prepares to run, and notices that Thane has the same plan of attack. He moves forward, knowing this is his chance to eliminate a target, and when Thane is in reach, he plunges his blade through the center of his body. The motions feel wrong — murderous — but these are the people he knows without a doubt have to die. Orders are orders.  
Killing is his purpose, and he doesn’t need to decide if he likes it or not. Having a purpose is a blessing enough, and now, with this blade plunged through a target, he feels purpose again.  
“Thane!” Shepard gasps, and the expression on her face is even more horrified than it was moments ago when she set her eyes on him for the first time.   
He pulls the blade from Thane’s body and the drell collapses on the ground in a pool of blood. He looks down for a moment, and Shepard rushes to Thane. He climbs onto the railing of a nearby stairwell and turns as Shepard’s companions turn their guns on him. He takes one more long look at Shepard, holding her armored fingers over Thane’s wound, and she looks up at him in disbelief. He just doesn’t understand what their is to disbelieve. And when he makes his escape, Shepard doesn’t follow. 

***

The debriefing room feels more like a place to be punished this time. The coup was unsuccessful, leaving Udina dead and the Citadel back in C-Sec control. He did everything right, but despite Shepard’s horror and fear in seeing Thane killed and him confronting them, she still managed to save the day. Worthy opponent was right.   
He sits at the debriefing table with a fresh bandage strapped to his shoulder where the bullet pierced through his armor and the first few layers of skin. The wound throbs and he hopes he’ll be able to go out and fight again soon. Shepard is still out there, and the Council is still in charge. He thinks maybe now is the time to suggest individual hits on individual councilors, that they can send the Alliance into a flurry that way and keep everyone on edge.   
The sliding doors open and The Illusive Man walks in, cigarette between his lips. He knows he’s one of few people to see The Illusive Man in person, but he wishes right now that he weren’t seeing him in person. In person means he’s capable of hurting him, capable of making him pay for his failures.   
“Care to tell me what happened today?”  
“The… the mission was not a success,” he says.  
“I see that.”  
“Shepard rescued the Council and Udina is dead.”  
“Udina was expendable. I’m disappointed that you let Shepard get the better of you.”  
He looks down unable to make eye contact with The Illusive Man. “It won’t happen again.”  
“You’re right… it won’t.”  
There’s a question hanging in front of him, and he wants to speak. He knows he’s already going to be punished for what he’s done — or what he hasn’t done — so he almost wonders if now is the best time to ask.   
“What is it?” The Illusive Man asks.  
“Shepard… Do I… do I know her?”  
“No.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes. You’ve been with Cerberus for as long as you can remember, right?”  
But I can’t remember very much.   
He knows what he looks like, and he knows he isn’t as old as his memory goes back. His face is riddled with scars, and the marks from old skin grafts leave their impression all over his body, and his thick black curls are riddled with gray hairs. If he had to guess, he’s somewhere in his thirties, maybe thirty-four or thirty-five, but he can only remember a year or two of his life. Something had to fill those other years, and moments like this, he isn’t sure it’s Cerberus.  
“Yes.”  
“So why are you wondering if you know Commander Shepard?”  
“Because the way she reacted when she saw me… it was like she knew me.”  
The Illusive Man narrows his eyes — robotic, cold, and lifeless. “You’d just stabbed one of her companions.”  
“I… before that…”  
“You’re not remembering the incident correctly.”  
But he knows he is. He’s not going to forget the look on Shepard’s face and the panic he caused her.  
“Okay.”  
“Now, I want you to follow me.”  
He stands from his chair and slowly guides him toward an empty room at the end of the hallway. He knows what’s about to happen, and it’s happened continuously for as long as he can remember, but he knows it’ll be worse this time because it’s a punishment. The Illusive Man opens the door and shoves him inside, and he drops to his knees. He looks up at the glowing object placed on display at the center of the room.  
It makes his eyes burn, and his head begins to throb. A migraine starts behind his eye and he whimpers in pain. The energy pulses make him feel sick, like he’ll throw up on the floor. The whispers begin and he can’t fight them off. He knows they’re helping him, reminding him what his real purpose is. It tells him not to stray, not to ask questions.  
Another powerful wave takes him over as the door shuts behind him, and he collapses to the ground. The Reaper artifact pulses and vibrates, and he feels his nose beginning to drip blood. His brain hurts, and visions of the galaxy burning dance in front of his head, but it doesn’t last long before the pain becomes too much and he blacks out. 

***

Thessia is burning. In everything he’s learned, Thessia was one of the most beautiful planets in the Milky Way, full of culture and knowledge and the homeworld of one of the galaxy’s most advanced races. But now, the pristine buildings are on fire, and Reapers the size of sky scrapers descend on the cities.   
But before he can let the Reapers destroy the Asari homeworld, he knows he needs one thing before leaving. He needs the data kept in the Temple of Athame. He’s made it this far, and too damn far for Commander Shepard to stand in his way. Not again. She stands in the front of the temple, with a Prothean VI speaking to her, and a real live Prothean, and an Asari. She has what he needs.  
He remembers The Illusive Man’s orders. Kill her. Don’t leave any of the Normandy crew alive. And bring back the Catalyst.   
He approaches the Commander and her crew, and he watches as the VI begins to vanish.  
“Indoctrinated presence detected. Activating security protocol.”  
Shepard turns around as his gunship descends on the temple behind him. The look on her face is one of defeat, and he’s not sure what to make of it. She doesn’t look scared or like she knows he’s come in the way of building the Crucible. It looks personal, like something she’d never let other people see.  
“You… what do you want?” she says.  
“Your attention. Someone wishes to speak to you.”  
He taps a button on his omni-tool, and a small orb flutters from it toward Shepard. The Illusive Man materializes, and begins to speak with her. He lectures her on her shortsightedness, and how she should know that destroying the Reapers is wrong. He watches Shepard the entire time, and the way that she resists everything he says with no struggle at all. Something tugs at him, something that makes him wish he could do the same. His head still throbs from his last exposure to the Reaper artifact.  
“Relieve the Commander of the data,” The Illusive Man says finally.  
Biotics flare at his skin and Shepard’s Asari companion charges at him. He throws her out of the way, directly into the Prothean companion, and both of them don’t get up right away. Shepard looks to them, and charges at him, firing her shotgun several times. He puts up a barrier and the bullets bounce off, clinking on the floor.   
“Target the supports,” he orders, and the gunship gears up to fire on the temple. Blasts rock the temple, and one sends Shepard flying backwards. He watches as she hits her head on one of the marble pillars and her head begins to bleed. He strides forward toward the beacon and opens his omni-tool to begin downloading the data.  
A large explosion rips through the top of the temple, and the sound is deafening. He still manages to hear Shepard groaning and struggling to get up behind him.  
“Kaidan!” she screams.  
It’s a name he doesn’t know, and he wonders if it’s one of her companions. He realizes that maybe it isn’t when he feels a gun on the back of his neck. He turns around and the data stops downloading, and strikes Shepard across the face. Her nose begins to bleed, and her companions rush toward her. She keeps a hand up and tells them to back up. The temple crumbles more and he’s running out of time to get the data.  
“Why are you doing this?” she asks.  
He doesn’t owe her an answer.  
He sends a biotic throw her way, shoving her body into the ground more. She lets out a struggled cry of pain and bites down on her lip. He hovers over her and presses a boot to her chest. He could step down now, the full weight of his cybernetics ready to crush her chest and kill her.  
“This isn’t you,” she mutters. “This is the furthest thing from what you are.”  
He presses down on her harder. “You don’t know anything about me.”  
“Yes, I do.”  
He was right. She does know him. It explains the look on her face whenever he shows up — a look of loss and defeat, like he’s something she’s lost. He didn’t think he’d ever belonged to anybody. He doesn’t even have a name. He’s just a thing that people give orders to and he does them without question. He has a purpose, and there’s no need for anything greater.  
“I know you, and I know that this isn’t you. I know you’d never work for Cerberus, and that something happened to you, and maybe it was my fault.”  
Rage bubbles inside his chest, and he kicks her out of the way. She grunts in pain and crawls away from him to catch her breath. He grabs her throat and shoves her against the ground, kneeling on either side of her. She gags and squirms for freedom, and tears spring to her eyes.  
“Kaidan, stop! Don’t do this. You don’t like hurting people. I know you don’t. You never have. Please, don’t let anyone make you a monster.”  
That name again. Twice now, and he begins to wonder if maybe that was him. He’s never been called a real name before. Maybe that was who he was before Cerberus. Someone with a name, who wasn’t just a thing people gave orders to. Maybe he was a person, not a tool.  
But Cerberus has no reason to lie to him, no reason to guide him in this direction. They gave him everything, and doing as they asked was the least he could do for them. He slams her head against the ground, and the temple shakes. The unsteady supports from the temple begin to crackle, and if he doesn’t leave now, he won’t have the chance to return the data to The Illusive Man, and he won’t let that happen.  
He releases Shepard’s throat and dashes out of the temple, dodging the falling marble around him. Once he’s made it to safety, he looks behind him, where the Asari rushes to Shepard’s side and helps her to her feet. Shepard chokes a few times and struggles to stand.   
“We have to-,” Shepard begins.  
“No,” the Asari says, “that’s not him… not anymore.”

***

Kaidan’s never felt anything like this before, and he’s never wanted anyone the way he wants Shepard. He always figured with other partners that it’d take time for him to know if they were the person he wanted to spend his life with, but with Shepard, he already knows. He thinks of her and sees a future so easily, one where they settle down and the Alliance takes a back seat and perhaps they could have a few kids together.   
Shepard wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses her forehead against his. She wears one of his sweatshirts, and she nearly drowns in it, but it looks so natural. His lips still taste like her, and he doesn’t want her to leave his side. He knows it’s stupid to think that he and his CO could really have a future together, but she doesn’t feel like a on night stand, and she doesn’t look at him like he is either.   
“Hey,” she whispers.  
He smiles back. “Hey.”  
She’s sleepy, and her green eyes flutter shut. She’s off her guard, and it lets him really look at her instead of stealing looks when he can. God, she’s beautiful, and he can’t believe someone like her would give him a chance, or even consider loving him. He’s always been too dorky, too quiet, too afraid to take chances on the people he wants. He supposes he’s grateful Shepard’s willing to take a chance on him.  
“We’re so fired,” she says.  
He nods. “Mmhm, absolutely.”  
“But it’s worth it.”  
“Is it?”  
She smiles. “Yes. I’d been dying to kiss you since we met.”  
“You’re a terrible boss.”  
“I know.”  
She cups the bottom of his chin and tilts his lips to hers. She kisses him soft and slowly, both of them left in a sleepy and euphoric haze. He slides his hands down her body and rests them just above her waist. Shepard sighs into his mouth and presses her body against his harder. It’s hard to believe that two people so sculpted and chiseled by war could melt so softly into one another, and that someone like Shepard could allow herself to be so vulnerable to someone like him.  
She pulls away and kisses his nose. She shuts her eyes and holds onto him like he’s something to lose, something she’s so grateful to have. He isn’t sure any partner has ever felt that way about him. Words linger on her lips, and he senses her hesitation. He brushes his thumb against her cheek, and holds her to assure her that it’ll be okay.  
She takes in a deep breath and finally opens her eyes. “I love you.”  
Kaidan doesn’t know what to say back, because of course he loves her too, but the moment feels heavier than expected. And maybe it’s because he thought it would never come. But he can’t leave her waiting too long, because in his heart, there’s no hesitation.  
“I love you too.”  
“Good,” she whispers.  
Being loved has never felt more perfect.

***

Kaidan waits for his next mission brief for far too long. He has questions, and he’s going to demand answers. He deserves them, knowing what he does now. It’s no wonder The Illusive Man never gave him a name, never called him by his real one, because all it took was hearing that to remember that he was someone once, someone before all this, and that he’d been very in love with Commander Shepard.  
The realizations don’t hurt like they should, and they don’t feel like loss, but they begin to feel as if they’d never been missing parts of him at all. It all makes sense finally.  
The door opens and The Illusive Man enters. He sits across from Kaidan at the table and lights a new cigarette.  
“Shepard is planning on attacking Cerberus. Now that Sanctuary is compromised and non-functional, she's going to come for us next. I need you to be ready.”  
Kaidan swallows, and compels himself to nod. “Yes, sir.”  
“You will defend the information we have on the Crucible if your life depends on it. I won’t be here, but I’m leaving you here to make sure Shepard doesn’t succeed.”  
Rage bubbles inside of him. The Illusive Man, leaving him to defend Cerberus HQ while he hides away some place safe… it sounds too much like him.   
“Where will you be?”  
“Finalizing plans. We’re running out of time.”  
“You think Shepard can stop you.”  
“No… but I need you to stop her before I have any chance to doubt that.”  
Kaidan’s jaw clenches. The Illusive Man notices and eyes him warily. “What is it?”  
“I knew her,” he says, finally. “I knew Shepard.”  
“This again?”  
“I knew who she was before Cerberus. When I saw her on Thessia, she called me Kaidan and she told me that she knew me. And I’m starting to remember.”  
Panic registers in The Illusive Man’s cybernetic eyes. He didn’t think it was possible to convey emotion through them. This was what The Illusive Man was afraid of, him learning what he used to be. His use came through obedience, and without that, he was an unpredictable enemy.   
“Guards, bring him to the-.”  
“No. I’m not letting you take me anywhere until you answer my question,” he says, biotics flaring at his fingertips. It’d be so easy to snap and break his neck, and free himself. He’d never have to take another order again or be someone he was never supposed to be.  
“After all Cerberus has done for you, you’d think to lay a hand on me?”  
“There are things you aren’t telling me.”  
The Illusive Man hesitates a moment, and then pulls out a data pad from his jacket. He slides it across the table, and Kaidan looks over the contents. He finds a picture of himself, looking much younger, with so many less scars in a set of Alliance blues, and everything from his date of enlistment to his postings. The final posting was on the SSV Normandy SR-1 under the command of Commander Shepard.   
It makes sense now. He’d served with Commander Shepard, and that was how they met and fell in love. It was unprofessional, and perhaps an impulsive move, but perhaps the mission was unconventional and loose on regs.   
What he isn’t expecting to find is a death date.  
“What…”  
“Virmire.”  
“What was that?”  
The Illusive Man leans forward on the table. “You wanted to know who you were, and here it is. You served with Commander Shepard on a very important mission, and somewhere along the way you fell for her, but it wasn’t enough. When the crew was taking down Saren’s base of operations on Virmire, the choice came down to either you or Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, and Commander Shepard left you to die.”  
“She wouldn’t…”  
But it makes sense. Something happened to him that took him away from Shepard, something bad that made him forget everything about who he was, who he loved, what he wanted to do with his life, and brought him here.   
His eyes water and he looks away from the datapad.  
“But she did. She left you on Virmire strapped to a bomb because she didn’t think you were worth saving. But Cerberus saw your potential and saved you. We made you what you are today. Took your blown off limbs and made you new ones, made you stronger and gave you a purpose, one that wouldn’t betray you like Shepard did.”  
Kaidan can’t speak.  
“So the next time you see Shepard, you remember what it is she did to you, and remember who gave you a second chance. I don’t want her leaving Cerberus HQ alive.”

***

Shepard’s already made it too far. No one could have predicted her using a fighter jet to blast through the interior of the HQ, and nobody could have predicted she’d demolish the countless soldiers they’d left behind to stop her. He thought that one of them would do their job remotely well and at least slow her down, but none did.  
By the time he realizes she’s on the fast track to reach the heart of the base, he’s not sure he can catch up to her in time. His blood rushes through his veins and rage pulses through him. He hears the whispers of the Reapers echoing in his ears as he makes his way after her, and he knows what he has to do. He has a simple mission and he won’t fail at it this time. Commander Shepard is trying to stop the Reapers, and she has no idea what she’s doing. She’s foolish, and she doesn’t know there’s a way to control them and a way to win without squandering everything.   
When he arrives at the heart of the base, Shepard is attempting to reach the Catalyst inside the Cerberus computers. He knows she won’t find it. There’s no way she can. She’s flanked by EDI — the AI that had been loyal to Cerberus at one point — and a woman with dark hair who he must know, because the sight of her fills him with rage. Something eats away at the corners of his brain, like there’s something about his last mission briefing he can’t remember, and looking at Shepard and the other woman make it pulse strong in his head.   
“Shepard, there is nothing indicating the presence of the Catalyst,” EDI says.  
“Dammit. Dammit,” Shepard says. “I thought he might do something like this.”  
“Shepard!” the other woman shouts.  
Shepard looks up, and instead of reaching for her gun, she holds her hands up to both the woman and EDI and steps forward, away from the computers. Her eyes water, and she steps closer to him, slowly.  
“I’m not going to fight you if you don’t make me, because I don’t want to hurt you. Not more than I already have.”  
The dark haired woman fixates her gun on him, watching for any signs of aggression.  
“Ashley, whatever happens, don’t shoot unless I give the order.”  
Ashley.   
He knows that name. Memories rush up to meet him, and he feels as if he can remember sitting with Ashley in the crew quarters of the Normandy, talking about her sisters and sharing their boot camp nightmares together.   
“Yes, ma’am.”  
“Look, I know I didn’t do all I could to protect you, so maybe I deserve this. But Cerberus isn’t doing right by you either. They’ve made you a monster and that’s never who you were, even when you doubted it yourself. You were kind, and you signed on for this to help people, not hurt them. You loved your parents, and steak and whiskey, and would spend hours fiddling with the electronics on the Normandy because you were just so good at fixing things and making everything feel right. And maybe you’re angry — maybe at me — but that shouldn’t matter because you don’t deserve what they’ve done to you.”  
“Why are you saying this? Do you think that talking your way out of this will save your life? Because it won’t.”  
“No,” Shepard says, “because I want to help you.”  
“There’s nothing you can do to help me.”  
“Yes, there has to be. Maybe there’s still part of you in there that can be saved.”  
His biotics flare at his skin, and instead of listening to her any longer, he throws her backwards into the glass floors, which shatter beneath her weight. Ashley and EDI watch in horror, even more ready to shoot him. But Shepard sits up, shaking the glass and pain off of her, and holds up a hand.   
“Don’t.”  
He throws another biotic field at her, and she holds up a barrier to block his hit. He throws more and more energy at her, until he can see the crackles in her barrier and it eventually breaks. Shepard falls back to the ground as he strides over to her. His fist flares with biotics and he brings his arm down in a punch. Shepard rolls out of the way, weaving one of her legs between his and tripping him to get him on her level. He reaches for his blade, and swings at her, shearing through the fibers between her armor.  
Shepard gasps in pain and draws her hand away from her arm, covered in blood. His boot collides with her cheek and she spits blood onto the ground. He deploys a Cryo Blast and it makes contact with her hand, and she jolts, sending her gun flying across the glass flooring. She struggles to move for a moment, and he stands over her. He draws his blade down, and she holds him off with a barrier, until she presses a button on her tech armor and it explodes backward.   
The blast fries his barrier and knocks his visor off his eyes. His skin burns and light flashes across his eyes too quickly.  
“Ashley, EDI, find a way to get to the Catalyst. Keep working on it!” Shepard shouts.   
EDI and Ashley snap to work, hovering over the computer as Shepard climbs to her feet. She throws a warp field at him, weakening his barrier and wearing him down. He feels his fibers being torn and twisted, and Shepard lets go of the field, tossing him to the ground.   
Shepard approaches him, and he races up and plants a single lift grenade in front of her, throwing her back violently. This time, she doesn’t get up. Ashley and EDI look over to her in horror, and she raises a hand to tell them not to help her. She spits up blood, and struggles to even crawl. He knows this is his chance to finish her. For just a moment, the whispers and the pull of the Reapers is too undeniable, and the only thing he can really hear is the voice telling him to kill her. He clutches his sword and paces for her.  
Shepard chokes on blood and holds her hand out. “Kaidan, you don’t want to do this. Trust me, you don’t.”  
“Cerberus brought me back, where you left me to die. Why should I trust you?”  
“I don’t know,” she says, “and I don’t blame you for wanting me dead. But you should do this for you. Don’t kill for them. It’s not who you are.”  
Her eyes water and she struggles for words, like she’s losing hope she can convince him to stop. Something tugs at him, like maybe he knows this side of her, the one that cares. He knows what The Illusive Man has told him, that she chose him to die, and that she’s the reason his life is this way, and that for all she’s done, she should die.  
He raises his blade, and Shepard struggles to crawl away, and he brings it down. He expects to feel the sensation of his blade plunging through her, hearing her cry out in pain. But instead a bang echoes through the base, and she’s not the one in pain.  
He looks down at her, holding her Predator at him, and he feels blood growing at the center of his stomach. His head feels light and he wavers between pain and numbness, before he hits the ground and everything goes dark for a few moments.  
“Shepard, be careful. You don’t know if it’s really him in there,” Ashley says.  
“No…” Shepard replies, “I know it is.”  
Then, there’s hands on his body. Gentle ones that he remembers so well.  
“Kaidan… Kaidan, look at me,” she whispers.  
She’s done this before. It was after Therum, where the only way to stop the Geth armature from killing Shepard and Ashley was to hold a barrier stronger than he should have been able to so they could crawl to safety behind a rock formation. He’d blacked out, and he woke up in Shepard’s cabin hours later. But he remembered her touching him, holding him and rating her hands on the side of his face as the lights vanished.   
Kaidan opens his eyes, and looks up at her. She’s slid herself beside him, and she looks terrible. He knows he’s the reason for it. Her face is bruised, lip gashed open, and the red twinge of blood on her teeth. He’s hurt her.  
“Shepard,” he struggles out.  
Her eyes water and she lets out a sigh that sounds almost relieved. “Yeah, I’m here.”  
Pain courses through him, but it’s the first moment he can remember that he’s felt any clarity. He’s not confused, and he feels like he can remember what he needs to now. He doesn’t know how long it’ll last, but the least he can do is hope he dies as the person Shepard says he is.  
“I’m sorry,” he says.  
“I know.”  
“I didn’t… I couldn’t stop it. All those people I’ve hurt — killed. It was because I wasn’t strong enough to fight it off.”  
She shakes her head. “No one is. What they did to you… it isn’t your fault. I’m so sorry they made you something you weren’t.”  
Tears drip down her face, and he reaches up to brush them away for her. She stops him, and holds his hand instead. She cradles it against her chest, and uses her other hand to brush his hair out of his face.  
“Now, come on. Let me get you some medi-gel and we’ll take you back to the Normandy.”  
“Shepard, no,” he chokes out. “You don’t understand. This is it. I want to fight it off, the whispering, the indoctrination, but I can’t do it. And I don’t know how long it’ll be before I lose myself again.”  
“I already lost you once. I won’t leave you behind again.”  
“Listen to me. I want this. Let me just die as myself. I don’t really remember who I used to be, but this feels as close as I can get.”  
She chokes on tears and shakes her head. “I… Please let me help you.”  
“You can, by stopping him… stopping the Reapers. And not telling my parents what really happened to me.”  
She kisses the back of his palm. “Okay.”  
“And there’s this,” he says, opening up his omni-tool. A small disc pops out of his ‘tool, and he passes it to Shepard. “It’s got the information on the Catalyst you need. Take it, and go some place safe, and then stop Cerberus and the Reapers.”  
Her eyes well with tears again, grateful. “Thank you.”  
Waves of pain take over, and he struggles to keep his eyes open. Shepard brushes her hand against his cheek, and leans over his body,   
“Please, let me help you.”  
“You are. If you let me be and let this happen, they can’t control me anymore.”  
Her tears drip into his hair and she shakes her head. It’s full of guilt that she doesn’t need to voice. He knows deep down now that she didn’t choose for him to stay behind on VIrmire. She just couldn’t save them both. But when she left him behind to finish the mission, he imagines she didn’t envision this for him.  
“I love you,” she whispers. “I always did, even after I thought you were gone.”  
“I love you too. Thank you.”  
Shepard kisses him on the forehead and clutches his hand against her chest for a few moments, and he loses feeling in his entire body. But he knows he’ll be able to still feel her, even after he’s finally been set free.


End file.
